Chicago Mayor Emanuel Closes New School Before It Opens! [parody]

CHICAGO -- Rahm Emanuel has become the first big city mayor to close a school before it has even been built.

"When I announced I was building this new [expletive deleted] school yesterday, I thought you [expletive deleted] in the press would leave me alone!" yelled Emanuel, shouting in front of a group of parents gathered in the Far Southeast Side.

"Then the [expletive deleted] Tribune has to go remind everyone the [expletive deleted] school site is contaminated!" screamed Emanuel. "'Fast Eddie' Vrdolyak didn't say dog [gross expletive deleted] about that to me, the [particularly nasty and personal expletive deleted]!"

At Emanuel's press conference yesterday, neighborhood parents -- to whom Emanuel would not speak -- wondered why the mayor wouldn't commit to fixing the current local elementary school, Gallistel:

"Because of (a lack of) air conditioning, they're not learning properly," said Robert Veloz, who has three grandchildren at Gallistel. "We need to invest money here."

Martha and Isaias Posada, who have two daughters at Gallistel, said through an interpreter that they were concerned about contamination at the new school and not sure whether they'd send their younger child there. At the same time, they worried about the aging facilities at Gallistel. Their older daughter, fifth-grader Yesenia Posada, said it was sometimes 100 degrees in her classrooms.

Today, when asked about Gallistel, Emanuel said: "[expletive deleted] it -- I'll close that one, too! And I'll close the nearest school down the [expletive deleted] street! [Completely unnecessary expletive deleted], I closed fifty [expletive deleted] schools this year already, and I'll close every [expletive deleted] school in this [expletive deleted] city if I have to, 'cause that's what I do, you [unbelievably offensive and disgusting expletive deleted]!"

When asked about his 19% approval rating, Emanuel became uncharacteristically silent.

[Expletive deleted] you, Chicago!

(You guys know this a parody, right? And halfway through writing I realized I was stealing from Gary Trudeau. Ah, [expletive deleted] it...)